When I had no desire to leave the couch and then felt too tired to go out at night and as the cherry on top I felt the need to be unnecessarily unkind to both of my sisters and my mother. Of course it is no surprise that I am somehow still awake at 5 in the morning with no one to turn to but my old pal tumblr.
I have recently begun thinking about the complexities of feeling alone. There are days that I go through life as the most care-free, spirited, and loving person. I see all the good in the world and I feel the love of my family and all my friends. Then come the days like today, when all I feel is doubt. A senseless, mind-numbing, all-consuming doubt that any of the people in my life truly care for me.
After getting yelled at by both my sister and my mother for changing my mind about going out tonight, Laura finished her ranting about how ill never have friends like hers or a life like she does and then she said “count your friends Amanda, count them”. And when she said that, I fell hopelessly silent as I thought about the number of people who I can say with complete confidence are my true friends in the way that I see her with her friends.
In moments of darkness during these late hours as night and morning become indistinguishable that we are forced to face our deepest and darkest thoughts. The fears that lurk in the shadows hiding from the sun day in and day out finally come bursting out in demand of our fullest attention. It is during this time that loneliness takes over like the plague and we are left to fend for ourselves in the darkness; only until morning arrives and sunlight sends it all running back into the shadows, the night seeming only as if a nightmare long over and a battle to face another time in the far off future.
I believe as we grow we imagine ourselves to become stronger and more immune to the things that hurt us. We fancy ourselves as turtles with shells that grow with us, protecting us from the outside world. However, the truth is that this shell can only keep things in rather than shut things out. We become penetrable sponges, absorbing all the pain and then unable to let it go. But of course, we can only take so much in before it all comes pouring out.
So in this moment, as I feel myself unravelling in the face of my deepest thoughts and fears, I choose to stop running once and for all. I lie here nearing the end of my greatest adventure yet and looking back at who I have become during this time and I see two people. The first is Amanda in June. The happiest I have ever felt and with some of the greatest friends I will ever know. A confident, beautiful, caring person who lives in the moment and finds the beauty in everything.
Then I see Amanda in July. A girl suffering from the loss of great friends and denial of heartbreak after finally letting someone in only to be reminded why I shut people out in the first place. In this utter weakness comes a complete surrender to old habits as my family arrives and brings me back to reality, away from the magical world of independence abroad.
So once again I am lying here wishing for June, knowing that as the morning sets in, I only become further away from what now all seems like a dream. I can only pray that one day soon I will find myself once again and bring the happiness of june back to life. I can’t say it will be easy with everything that lies ahead; but I guess that’s why it happiness lies in strength. The strength to let the love in your heart overpower the lonliness in your mind. To let that love create light in the darkness at night and keep the fears and doubts at bay. It is a strength made not of the muscles in your arms and legs, but of the muscle we call our heart.